This year I discovered more about life than all other years put together. After going through word press this past week, I discovered a large number of people who are suffering from depression or once did and I thought to myself how brave these people are to actually write about it. In my opinion that’s one step towards getting better. This motivated me to write about my experience too. I haven’t overcome my demon but I’ve decided to try and fight it. If I lose at least I can go down knowing I put on one hell of a fight. A fight for my life.
It started earlier this year when I turned 30. I looked at my life, where it was, where I wanted it to be and it didn’t make sense. I thought of all the effort I had made over the years, the mountains I faced, the challenges I overcame and thought to myself …. all that work and these are the fruits? At that time I was still involved with a time waster trash of a man and was desperately trying to get away from him. My job sucked, felt like I was everyone’s assistant in the office, my car was old and beat down, my university messed up my registration so I couldn’t write exams and many other things I felt didn’t add up.
Worst part of this all was that I was praying constantly and nothing seemed to change. This made me think that God had forsaken me. I fell in and out of these cycles of feeling worthless. For months it haunted me. I deleted all social media profiles because all I could see were other people’s achievements and none of my own. My house became my sanctuary, I didn’t like going out or hanging with people. Any small thing made me wind up in tears. If a guy I thought was cute didn’t look at me at a party I would break down. I truly had dark days.
Then one day I got promoted at work to Project Manager. I now had people I was managing. This brought joy to my heart. I managed to sort my school issue and started studying again. I started looking for cars online so I could have an upgrade. I completely pulled away from the time waster I called a man (this broke me for a little but I knew it was for the best). Things were looking good. I was now making enough money to save more every month and even spare to sufficiently send my mum. My life made sense again, I could smile. I then met someone new, someone who made me smile and made absolute sense in my life. I saw myself married to this guy and it was a beautiful vision. Then something went wrong, I still don’t know what, but he left. I was confused, it felt like an attack on me, wasn’t I successful enough, wasn’t I pretty enough, was I too emotional…what? I didn’t know but the blame was certainly on me as far as I could tell and I was back to square 1 again.
I started toying with thoughts like maybe I wasn’t lovable or meant to be loved. Maybe God had put me on a shelf with other people who were meant to have miserable lives. This didn’t sit well with me. Suicidal thoughts crossed my mind. The job title didn’t seem impressive anymore, I wasn’t happy again. I wasn’t on social media but still I got wind of my peers buying houses, having babies, completing PhD’s, relocating to better places and here I was still in the same company, still facing the same demon. I was angry at God, wondered why He wasn’t saving me from this life. Then I gave a woman a lift home one day, a complete stranger. She started telling me how her brother who had just turned 30, got murdered during a robbery 2 years ago. She narrated how broken her family was and the difficulty they faced trying to get his body back home (Zimbabwe). Her pain was still evident as she gave me the details. This made me drop any suicidal thoughts I had. I figured I couldn’t do that to my mother, or my siblings, such a selfish act. They had enough problems of their own to deal with.
I decided to find ways of getting better on my own since I didn’t believe God had my back. It was up to me to change my life, be in charge of my own happiness. But I didn’t believe happiness is what I would get. I was just preparing myself for a bearable existence. I figured what got me hurt was the fact that I felt, I allowed myself to love, have emotions towards my circumstances…..the only way to prevent getting hurt was to not feel, not have expectations. The world had failed me so I didn’t need the world, shutting it out seemed easier. First thing was to allow myself to feel the hurt that I already felt, realise that it couldn’t kill me, but instead help me grow a thick skin. I swore to myself that I will get what I want in life. I would accomplish all my goals no matter the obstacle. My new rule and motivation was #DoIt. I had to believe in my own strength. Then I came across a scripture I knew but had never read it in the way I read it that day. It had a new meaning and relevance in my life.
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:28 – 31
I needed to regain control of my life, I had to have hope in God again. I will leave Him to carry out His plan for my life, but here on the ground, I’ll be in charge of what goes. I needed things to change, instead of feeling sorry for myself when these things didn’t work out, I needed to push even harder. Push back at life, not allow it to bully me. I found such a renewed strength, then tattooed the scripture on my wrist. For me it marked a new beginning, the start of battles I had no intention of losing again. It marked my new way of life…Doing it and doing it hard.
The battle continues. I’m not out of the woods yet, but being able to have a strategic plan in place and writing about it helps me to win.